Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
