the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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