Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
