I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
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I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
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Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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