Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
