I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
