does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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