Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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