I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
