I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
