I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
