I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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