I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
