if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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