Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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