Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
