I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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