I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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