I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
