but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
