No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
