Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
jump out the window naked night went bad
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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