FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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