I'm gonna have a badass scar
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
