Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
