I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
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I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
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I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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