I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
