why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
