he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
