mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
