I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
