Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
