then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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