today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
