I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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