You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
