He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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