Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
