i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
