My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I want her autograph on my taint
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
