I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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