I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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