it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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