she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
