Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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