I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
