vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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