Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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