Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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