So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
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