stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
