Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
