vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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