It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
