And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
