just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
