in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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