i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
