A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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