I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
