well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
