.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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