Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
